R.A.O.S.T

Dear Retard,

When Person A sends out an email to Group B requesting said group to work on their respective region’s problems listed on the attached file DO NOT hit the “Reply to All” button.

I can see how this may be confusing to you. It looks an awful lot like the “Reply” button. Those damn buttons are hard to decipher some times.

But could you please pay attention to what you’re doing? Maybe pull your head out of your ass for a second?

And then maybe take another second to realize all the names that auto-fill into the “To:” field means you’re sending your asinine email to people who don’t need more crap in their inbox?

Seriously. I don’t care that you’re working on your issues. I don’t need a progress update. I mean really, you aren’t even done fixing the stuff yet you felt the need to say hey, ‘I’m working on it, except for right now, because I’m busy writing this email. But don’t worry! I’m working on it!”

Fucking kiss ass.

Your boss wasn’t even CC’d on the damn email! Bah!

Hugs and Paperclips,
Lisa

And that is why I’m wearing jeans to work today.

denimdayinla.org

In other news, but kind of related, I think, after a little rumination on the subject, I had a dream last night. And a slightly disturbing one at that.

It wasn’t nearly as entertaining or arousing as the three-dreams-in-one night I had last weekend. Those dreams involved 1) me running around in my t-shirt and undies (the same I wore to bed that night) while not seeming to mind in the least, 2) seeing two guys getting intimate in front of a bunch of people, on a table, in a classroom, and 3) seeing friends from my past and family pop up every now and then. Good stuff.

But last night? Eh… not so much. There was a lot of the dream that I don’t remember. I can “feel” it there, just beyond the reach of remembrance. But there was one scene that still vividly lingers, either because it was the last scene before I woke up, or because it was the most troubling…

First, I’d like to preface this with the fact that I’ve had ‘denim day’ floating around in my head for a few days now. From the site:

“Denim Day in LA is a project of Peace over Violence”.

It is a “sexual violence prevention and education campaign.”

See that? Violence is mentioned twice there. I wonder if this is why my dream was violent…

There is also this statistic from the site:

“35% of college men who voluntarily participated in psychological research conducted at several universities indicated they might commit a rape if they knew they could get away with it.”

The fact that those 35% don’t automatically rule out such a heinous act as WRONG with mother fucking capitol letters is both disgusting and frightening. Who are these people? Why do they think that way? And what can we do to smack peacefully shove instill some sense of rightness into their world.

I’m going to class today, and 3 out of 10 of the guys in that class might consider raping someone ‘if they knew they could get away with it.’ They might not see this as doing anything wrong. Either that, or they just wouldn’t care. They wouldn’t realize/care about the damage they could do to another human being.

Ugh.

This has been bouncing around in the back of my head, and I think just violence in general, until it finally leaked out last night in my dream. I’d like to think that that is a sufficient explanation as to why I dreamt the following.

I walked up to a house. Outside on the lawn were an assortment of lawn tools, laid out as if on display for me. I picked up a small, silver shovel. It was kid sized, the size of a trowel really. There was a reason why I picked it specifically, though I don’t remember what is was. Instinctual maybe.

Next thing I know I’m hitting someone with it. They’re on the floor, bundled up in a blanket, talking to someone else. I really don’t know if that someone else was there or not, standing next to me, but the victim wasn’t talking to me.

I knew what to do, because I’d seen this scene just moments ago. Like a movie scene. I’d watched it, seen what to do, and now it was my turn to reenact it.

The person I was hitting with my miniature shovel was Tilda Swinton, androgenous angel from the movie Constantine and academy award winner. And I was really hitting her. I was really trying to hurt her. To damage her. And yet nothing worked.

I’d hit her in the head, hard, and nothing would happen. There’d be no blood. No bruising. No “what the fuck?” reaction from her. She’d keep talking to someone “off screen” like she was doing some scene in a movie.

I kept hitting her, mystified by the fact that I couldn’t do any damage to her.

I wasn’t mystified by the fact that I was hitting her, because there was some kind of Dream Logic behind it. I just didn’t know why it wasn’t effecting her.

So yeah, the fact that I was repeatedly and purposefully trying my hardest to beat someone to a bloody pulp with my mini silver shovel leaves a kind of icky feeling in the stomach.

I need to start thinking about care bears and butterflies and Winnie the Pooh and any other type of warm fuzzy shit.

ASAP!

I got some spam the other day and boy was it delicious. I thought about leaving it, because it tickled me so, but just in case someone is silly enough to actually click on the spam link, I deleted it. Here’s the lowdown:

Author : Just me

Well, gee, thanks for clearing that up.

E-mail : plus9panties@popularemail.com

Plus Size Coalition Super Secret Handshake Powers activate!

URL : www.something-about-how-to-cook-chicken.com

I’m assuming this has something to do with the plus9 email addy. She/he/it just stopped by to offer some friendly, healthy cooking advice. So that eventually we have to change our plus9panties email addy to plus4thongalongs. How thoughtful.

This was my favorite part though:

Comment:
I don’t think so. You have to revise your looks. In general your blog is good, but sometimes your posts are creepy.

L to the O to the L again. She/he/it called my posts creepy. That made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Dear Just Me,

If you would like me to click on your spam link, don’t call my posts creepy.

Mm’kay?

Plus 9 Hugs and Kisses,
Lisa

Or at least a lot of them do. Because things worth stealing are stolen from her blog. I thought it looked like fun so…

Here’s how it works:
1. Go to www.photobucket.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Insert the picture into your Blog

1.) What is your relationship status?

2.) What is your current mood?

3.) Who is your favorite band/artist?

4.) What is your favorite movie?

5.) What kind of pet do you have?

Though I was really attempted to answer with this:

6.) Where do you live?

7.) Where do you work?

(not at this one company specifically, but it looks a lot like where I work)

8.) What do you look like?

(its kind of sad how close this one came)

9.) What do you drive?

(Ha!) 

10.) What did you do last night?

11.) What is your favorite TV show?

(too many to pick from! so I picked one I didn’t list last time I answered this)

12.) Describe yourself.

My first thought was this:

Later I realized I should have answered it with this:

But the first one was so deliciously disturbing I had to leave it there.

13.) What are you doing today?

(No, I’m not quitting. Not until after I get really really really lucky this weekend.)

14.) What is your name?

15.) What is your favorite candy?

S is for…

SPAM!

I love spam. Even the non-edible kind.

This just arrived in my work outlook inbox.

From: Girly McLastname [removed@thepipecleanerlady.com]
To: Generic,Work Mumbojumbo,Foreign Division of P.O.E.
Subject: Here you can see photos of a man who used Penisole

Our remedy gives permanent results.
http://nkwggbhrnrandomlettersandohlooksomenumbers8576.website.com

First of all, awesome email. The Pipe Cleaner Lady! I love pipe cleaners.

Hmm… now that I think of it… is this supposed to be some sort of innuendo? What kind of pipes is she cleaning? Oh my goodness, are they trying to tarnishing my image of pipe cleaners?!

Second of all, I want to click the link. I really do. But I don’t want to get a virus here at work. Even at home… I know I shouldn’t click it. So I won’t.

But man, I wonder what penisole is? It sounds like camisole so… is it like, a little outfit for… oh I don’t know… a dog? I wonder if there really are pictures. I bet its all a lie. I bet if I clicked the link I’d find absolutely no pictures and be sorely disappointed. So I won’t click the link.

Jack, did you click it? What did I miss? Anything?

T is for…

Thought of the Day

“It sucks to be a leech.”

Ha!

Today’s Thought of the Day is brought to you by The New Guy That Sits Behind Me

A.K.A: The Guy That Doesn’t Have Enough Common Sense To Play His Cell Phone Video Games Where No One Can Hear Him.

F is for…

Favorite Quote of the Week

As spoken by a fellow student in my writing workshop class:

“Come on guys. My anti-anxiety medication is wearing out. Let’s get started.”

(I actually heard this last Tuesday in class. Yeah, I know I’m slow at mentioning it. Its finals week. Stop harassing me! Aaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhh. On a happy note, today is the last day I’ll be waking up at 4am for awhile. At least on purpose. *happy dance*)

U is for…

Ummmm… my brain is friend fried. That is all. Oh. And uuuuuuunicorns.

I like…

… French fries. Way. Too. Much.

I like…

… assuming my Borderline Rebel identy and being somewhere other than where I should be: such as driving home from school yesterday instead of driving back to work. *cough* I think I may need to cut back on the sick day usage. At this rate I’m going to run out of sick days by august.

I like…

… blueberry Special K bars. They are insanely delicious. I think the only thing that keeps me from devouring the whole box (only 6 to a box too! /cry) is the thought that there won’t be any left for me to enjoy tomorrow. Because screw going to the grocery store before I really need to.

I like…

… when moral crusading politicians (and non-politicians for that matter) get exposed in a sex scandal. Hypocritical twatwaffles getting caught doing something naughty makes me giddy.

I like…

… cheese and onions. In a sandwich. On a pizza. Chopped up and swallowed by the handful. I used to love helping my mom/dad prepare taco’s for dinner. I’d chop up/grate extra onions/cheese and eat both by the finger-scoopful while everything else got made. Good stuff.

I like…

… being the only one in the office so that I can make embarrassing noises without fear of condemnation.

 (Geez… I just realized three of these are food orientated. Hungry much?)

And the winner is? Quiz # 3!

This right here is an awesome quiz, with an awesome result. I had no idea what this quiz was about, other than it was about vampires (which was good enough for me.) I didn’t recognize any of the ‘clan’ names mentioned at the top of the page, but with such insightful questions (i.e. “Pick one!”) I knew the results were going to be gold.

FYI… I picked this one:

>:P

Your clan is a dysfunctional one. That is because you are a Malkavian. Something is poisonous about this clan’s blood that drives all those embraced to madness. However, in this madness, you tend to have great insight. Unfortunately, people just take it as senseless ramblings. In every family there is an insane one. You’re it. What Vampire Clan Do You Belong To?

First of all, great name. If you’re going to belong to a vampire clan, belong to one that sounds like it’s been terrorizing European villages for centuries.

(Coming out this spring! Lisa’s Handy Guide To Joining A Vampire Clan ™. Check your local bookstores.)

And look, there it is again! I hint to my awesome brain power! I have “great insight”. Oh yeah. I’m intuitive (first quiz, two posts ago, too lazy to find and link) and insightful.

I kick ass.

(Coming out this spring! Lisa’s Handy Insightful Guide To Joining A Vampire Clan ™. Check your local bookstores.)

And family, you can thank me later for taking up residence on the Insane twig in the family tree. You’re welcome.

Oh, and the ’senseless ramblings’ bit?

So. Right. On.

Freakishly accurate quiz is freaky.

*nod*

Okay, I had to check out the other quizzes on this site. The second one is the easiest quiz I ever took. Month of birth? Easy. Day of birth? Even easier! (Fewer digits/letters to remember). And voila…

Anubis Clever, fatalist, deep. Sympathetic, generous, loving and perseverant in proving their view point Colors: male: sienna, female: crimson Compatible Signs: Bastet, Isis Dates: May 8 - May 27, Jun 29 - Jul 13 Role: God of death and mummification Appearance: Jackal or a jackal-headed man Sacred animals: jackal What is Your Egyptian Zodiac Sign? Designed by CyberWarlock of Warlock’s Quizzles and Quandaries

Hmmm… I am Anubis, therefore I am: ” Clever, fatalist, deep. Sympathetic, generous, loving and perseverant in proving their view point.” Hard not to capture some of my essence with a long list like that. So how accurate is this? Let’s break it down a bit, shall we?

Clever: I like to think so. I also like to think I’m a lot more awesome than I really am.

Fatalist: Only occasionally.

Deep: Like, totally.

Sympathetic: Sure. I’m sympathetic to all moronic ways of life.

Generous: I gave the boyfriend one of my french fries the other day. I’m nothing but a giver.

Loving: I’ve got love pouring out of my pores.

Perseverant in proving their view point: Eh… to a point.

I was arguing with Mr. Desk Neighbor the other day about some science conundrum (something like if a car’s traveling the speed of light how fast are the car’s lights going… as if one is actually relating to the other). He was arguing one way, the wrong way, and I was arguing the other way. I was using logic and stuff and still he wouldn’t budge. Then I got to thinking, what if I’m actually wrong? I was 95% sure I was right, but that last 5% bugged me. What if I had it all backwards? It had been ten years since I learned about this stuff in high school, that is ample time for brain leakage on all things physics related.

So I stopped arguing, because really, it was like arguing with a brick wall. Actually, walls can’t talk back… it was like arguing with someone from a tech support hotline based in India. You’re pretty sure they’re speaking English, but they’re not making much sense. And trying to get your questions/problems across so they know what help/information to give you is damn frustrating.

A few days later, when I actually remembered to ask, I asked the boyfriend what he thought the answer to the physics question was. He’d taken four of five classes in college so he was the closest I was going to get to an expert. Other than google. Turns out I was right.

Ahhhh validation, you sweet minx you.

Next time Mr. Desk Neighbor is arguing against me I should just put on my jackal head and mummify him. That appears to be more my style.

I am also infatuated with online quizzes, those little internet windows into my soul. Let’s see how close this quiz Gets Me.

I found this thanks to Jodi. She got a great result, one that I would have been stoked to get. Even after changing answers around a little bit (just to see the pretty cards, no really) I only got two results. Le sigh. Here is my first, and more often than not, result:

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

But its not all bad. Science! (Love it). Wisdom! (Want it). Knowledge! (Yes, please). Education! (BFF’s, always and forever.)

I love the fact that I’m full of knowledge. Not just regular knowledge though. That’s for all the non-special people. I have instinctual knowledge… Yea right. This is laughable. Nothing about any of the knowledge I truly have is instinctual. Although, coupled with the ’supernatural, secret knowledge’ I supposedly have it sounds quite spiffy. Does this mean I know about the faeries and the trolls that live in the Nevernever?

“Willingness to illuminate…”

I like the way that sounds. It’s definitely a better way to say “you get in people’s faces and set them straight to your way, which is undoubtedly the RIGHT way of thinking.” Which isn’t something that I do. Honest. At least not often. And not anywhere outside of the workplace, aka The Land of Morons.

No one has ever yelled at me and told me not to tell them what to do, but if anyone ever does, I’m going to try and remember to say, “listen bitch, I’m not telling, I’m illuminating.”

Moody? Me?

I like this card. Makes me feel powerful. You want some of my arcane knowledge? Go make me a sammich and maybe we’ll talk.

I found this… somewhere. Copied it and pasted it into my What To Write About word doc and left it for dead. Poor little thing. I wrote the answers yesterday morning, then got so busy when I got back from class I forgot to post. (And it’s all Jack’s fault. If he wasn’t doing his so damn efficiently I wouldn’t be having to do all of mine. Heh.)

And, to add to the suckiness that was mainly the last half of yesterday, the professor’s review of my latest submitted fiction piece pretty much said that it was a waste of my time writing it because it wasn’t ‘literary’ and there was no market for it. Didn’t know I was supposed to be writing/submitting stories for workshop with the financial bottom line in mind.  (insert angry smily here)

1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?

Depends. This school quarter I wake up at 4am on Tuesdays and Thursdays. MWF I wake up at 6am. And because I wake up so damn early during the week I’m usually awake at 6 or 7 on the weekends too.

2. GOLD OR SILVER?

Hmmm. Think I’d have to go with silver.

3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA?

Oh good lord… I have no idea. It’s been awhile. We’ve been renting movies instead of heading to the theater lately.

I’m pretty sure it was horrible, whatever it was, because I remember thinking I was owed a few dozen cheesy chickflicks after the cinematic crapfest the boyfriend wanted to see.

(Actually, now (Friday/day of posting this) I remember the last film I saw. It was Beowulf. In 3-D. And it was horrible.)

4. FAVORITE TV SHOW?

Of all time? That’s a hard one. It used to be the X-Files, until the last two seasons killed that wonderful love affair. I love the british comedy Coupling (which I’ve been tivo-ing lately) but enough to call it a favorite…? Maybe favorite comedy. I caught a marathon of Firefly the other day and gobbled all those episodes up. I absolutely loved that show. But if I picked just one as the ultimate favorite, I’m sure a day or two later I’d think of an even better one. So I’m not picking. Though now that I think of it… if I had to pick I just might pick Star Trek: TNG. But I’m not picking darn it! I have too many favorites.

Favorite current tv show? Hmmm… I’m really enjoying Eli Stone. I hope they keep that one around. And Lost has perked up for me again. And I’m addicting to Project Runway. And…

5. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST?

If I wake up early enough, cereal and milk. If not, dry cereal (if I remember to pack it) and coffee when I get to work. On the weekends the boyfriend likes us to cook breakfast, or have it cooked for is.

6. WHO WOULD YOU HATE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH?

Mr. Creepy McFeely

7. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE?

No. No, I can’t. There, are you happy now?! Thanks for reminding me of another one of my failings. Gah!?

8. WHAT INSPIRES YOU?

Inspirational Quotes of the Day.

9. WHAT’S YOUR MIDDLE NAME?

(secret)

10. BEACH, CITY, Or COUNTRY?

Beach.

11. SUMMER OR WINTER?

Hmmm… first inclination is to say summer. But I live in California so the winters aren’t too bad here. And summer makes me all sweaty and icky. I think for the first time I’m going to answer this question with… WINTER!

Epic.

12. FAVORITE ICE CREAM?

Chocolate chip cookie dough. Preferably the hagen daaz kind.

/drool

13. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN?

Buttered. With lots of industrial strength napkins.

14. FAVORITE COLOR?

Bluuuuuuue.

15. FAVORITE CAR?

The new-ish sporty Mustangs. They make me hawt. Old cobras do it for me too.

16. FAVORITE SANDWICH FILLING?

Raspberry jam.

17. TRUE LOVE?

As you wish.

18. WHAT CHARACTERISTICS DO YOU DESPISE?

In what? A crayon? I hate the ones that are all stubby and shit. And the ones that have teeth induced pock marks. And the ones that can’t keep their paper clothes on for more than an hour of hard coloring. What’s up with that?

19. FAVORITE FLOWER?

Don’t really have one I guess. I really like daisies. And lilies are pretty. And simple looking flowers with strange, exotic colors, whose names, if I ever learned them, have long since escaped the confines of my memory, are nice too.

20. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO TELL PEOPLE?

I’d tell the boyfriend right away. He’d be able to tell if I was hallucinating or not. I can’t imagine not telling my parents soon after. Other family/friends? I think I’d want the check in my hands/in my bank account with a couple days of letting it sink in before I told. But I doubt I’d last more than a day or two after winning. I’d tell the people at work a little bit after that. Right after I give my 2 week notice

21. FIZZY OR STILL WATER AS A DRINK?

I have no idea what the hell this question is asking.

Is this a soda vs tap water sort of question? Because I really don’t see how this is much of a question. At least challenge me here a little bit.

22. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM?

Same color as the rest of the apartment. Blah.

23. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY RING?

7 keys.

6 actual key rings though (two of which are small and just decoratively hanging around, being frivolous and shit, because I haven’t bothered to remove them after I adding them to the key borg collective. You know, I might as well do that now…)

4 actual key rings.

2 of the key rings are from key chains. I’d use more (I have a hundred to choose from, literally) but the key conglomeration already makes my pockets too bulgy.

4 mini savings club cards for all my swiping and mega deal saving pleasure. (Albertsons: used, often. Ralphs: used many moons ago for cheap Knotts tickets. AutoZone: a week old and still shiny new. Borders: rarely used.)

24. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO?

To the superbly furnished bungalow in the backyard of one of my incredibly rich, as-of-yet-still-far-from-being-conceived children’s several acre mansion-populated estate where I have a pool, a pool boy, a cabana boy, maid, cook, and my own golf cart to drive to the main house for the occasional weekend family dinner.

25. CAN YOU JUGGLE?

Ha! I read that as ‘can you jungle’. I pictured myself in a little party safari outfit. (Don’t ask).

Either way, the answer is no.

What’s with all the questions that keep pointing out my lack of talent? Sheesh!

26. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK:

Saturday.

27. RED OR WHITE WINE?

White.

28. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY?

Hmmm… Absolutely nothing I believe.

29. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD?

Yes.

Errr… so anti-climatic.